I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
