I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
