So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
