I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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