Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
