Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
