Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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