i already hear my dad disowning me
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
