True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
