Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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