I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
