I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
