So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
