If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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