I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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