yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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