Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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