If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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