Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
