hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
