I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
