I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
