Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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