tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
