I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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