My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
