Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
