Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
