hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
