I just threw up on my dentist
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
