I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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