nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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