well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
