I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
