omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
