Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
