can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
