not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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