I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I intend to get homeless drunk
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
