How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
