ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
