I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's blow job season.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
