i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
