she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
