So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
