So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
