i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You left your phone here
Wait...
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