All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
