she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
