I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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