Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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