One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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